Sorority Row (2009)

Shot with dark, grainy, frenetic abandon (like an early 2000's music video) and, a mere 9 years on, pretty fucking gross and insanely obvious in its male gaze, Sorority Row is a remake, based on the script for the 1983 horror film The House on Sorority Row. For a film supposedly about sisterhood, the directing and writing team were all men. And you can tell.

There's frequent, pointless lack of clothes from sorority sisters who looked so similar I had no idea who was dying and who was surviving; jokes about how it's okay to be roofied; questionable doctor/patient power dynamic sex in exchange for meds... Just, no. The kills were not good enough to redeem all this.

There's far better out there. Best thing about this entire mess was Carrie Fisher in a bit part. 

The Mutilator (1984)

Okay, I think I finally realised something. It's taken my entire history of watching horror movies for this to click, which is kind of embarrassing, but I think I just figured out that my approach to slasher films has been all wrong.

So my main complaint with a lot of these movies always seems to be the interminable downtime between the kills. For me to really enjoy a slasher film, there has to be something interesting happening to bridge the gaps between the blood being spilled. It doesn't have to be Citizen Kane over here, it just needs to hold my attention and, ideally, lay the groundwork for actually giving a shit about who survives and who doesn't. I don't necessarily mind a conveyor belt of victims steadily making their way toward death; I just want to care, just a little bit!

The Mutilator (original title: Fall Break) is a perfect example of the giddy highs and woefully bad lows of films like this.

Written and directed by first-timer Buddy Cooper - a film reviewer for a newspaper who wanted to make movies, so he did. I have to respect that! - this is part of what must have been a bloody cascade of films made after the success of Friday the 13th in 1980. In it, we see a group of college kids staying in a beach house and being murdered using a different weapon each time (hence that awesome tagline).

And the gore, courtesy of SFX man Mark Shostrom (Videodrome, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Evil Dead II, a couple of Phantasms) is really good, but the price of admission for it is TERRIBLE dialogue, DELIVERED TERRIBLY for extended amounts of time. 

At one point, we follow the worst character in the entire film (the "joker" of the friend group 😐) for fucking ages as he walks around looking for his mates. He cracks jokes and does voices and funny walks to no one in particular for soooo looooong until he's finally killed. There's no tension here at all, and just like in The Prowler, it gets boring and frustrating waiting through these slumps.

I found myself wishing I were a) more drunk, b) with a group of friends, or c) drunk with a group of friends. And that's when I realised that my sitting alone or with my husband just chilling and watching this stuff isn't how it was originally meant to be consumed. Stuff like this was meant to be drive-in fodder; where you're laughing and goofing around with friends and/or making out while the movie is playing. That's what passes the time while you're waiting for fucking Ralph to die. You're meant to be throwing popcorn, cracking open another beer or making snide comments - that's what makes this stuff bearable.

So, mental note for the next 80s stalk and slash that I suspect might be like this: cheap beer, funny friends are essential.

Unless you're coming to it armed with the above, I'd say The Mutilator is a "fast forward between the kills" kind of situation, as everything else is painful to sit through. The odd, melodramatic feel, the sluggish pacing, frankly insane theme song, the appalling acting... it's a lot.

Streaming on Shudder right now. What a waste of such an amazing tagline.

Lake Nowhere (2014)

*kisses fingertips*

Coming in at a mere 50mins long (including the amazing fake trailers and ads at the start) Lake Nowhere is a small but perfectly formed homage to 80s slashers, complete with its own deliciously weird spin on things.

If you're old enough to be nostalgic about watching scary movies on VHS and all of the character-building little details it involved, like murky visuals, tracking lines and glitches, then this film is something you're going to want to check out.

Written by Ryan Scott Fitzgerald and Christopher Phelps, and directed by Phelps and Maxim Van Scoy, Lake Nowhere keeps it simple but strong in two important aspects.

Story. A group of friends (and a dog) arrive at a remote lakeside cabin for the weekend and set about merrily exploring, chopping wood, and settling down for a couple of days of fun. They drink, smoke some pot, have some sex - the usual.

What they don't anticipate is a masked killer lurking around outside (cue lots of cool POV peeping shots). To say any more would give too much away... but rather like a micro budget version of The House of the Devil, this largely sticks to well-worn horror paths. Where and how both elevate themselves above mere imitation and remain an actively enjoyable watch, is due to the fact they're so clearly made with a deep love and understanding of the genre.

Lake Nowhere gets so much, so right. Plus there's also enough of a twist in the tail to still shock.

One of my favourite shots.

Style. I've never had a movie so perfectly mimic the behaviour of VHS, to the point where ancient muscle memory kicked in and I almost found myself reaching for the remote to try and stabilise the playback.

To the haters on Amazon leaving bad reviews because of the picture quality: I truly pity your misunderstanding of this aspect of the movie! ️🤦

The titles and soundtrack/score too, are spot on. Bright red words glare at us over grainy shots of the shoreline, and the upbeat rock music played by the kids sits perfectly next to scuzzy atmospheric electro.

I debated showing the screenshot directly above, but want to draw attention to what a simple, eerie choice this was to have the killer's eyes upside down when shown. These shots are extremely creepy as they punctuate the film. Genius idea.

This is honestly the kind of horror movie that makes fans want to make movies. It took a little over a year from concept to screen; was funded by the makers themselves and an Indiegogo campaign, then shot in just 6 days at a last minute back-up location. Lake Nowhere is a solid gold example of creating something beautiful if you have the guts to go for it.

I wrote simply "YES" and the end of my notes for this.

Seriously considering buying one of the posters from their aptly dated looking official site.

See it, see it, see it!

I watched on Shudder but it's also available on Google Play, Amazon Prime and Vimeo.

Kristy (2014)

I feel like sometimes the access to a location for a horror film has more weight to it than the actual plot. Like, they found out they could shoot on a college campus and then came up with an idea to suit the cool setting?

Kristy, directed by Olly Blackburn (who also did Donkey Punch) is similar to the vibe of You're Next or The Strangers, but it's not as well written. Instead of having the attacks be random acts of violence, there's an attempt, in an already pretty dated opening sequence involving the internet, passwords and messageboards (lol) to explain that this is some kind of cult where the members stalk and kill pretty young privileged girls in an effort to... symbolically kill God...?! Uh-huh. That face you are probably making right now is the face I made, too, and this was only about 4 mins into the movie, so I was braced for the worst.

The film takes place at a college over Thanksgiving weekend, where Justine (played with sleepy determination by Haley Bennett) is the only student spending the break on campus. While on a snack run to a local store, she's chosen as the next target by a masked, murderous gang. They keep calling her "Kristy", a code name for all of the cult's intended victims.

I'm going to put some of the blame on my being unable to fully concentrate on Kristy down to the fact I was watching it at midday. Watching horror films in broad, sunny daylight always feels out of place, right? But it wasn't all my poor timing; it was also that, aside from the climatic scene, this film just isn't all that good.

For one, a dog fucking dies, so that's a strike against it. How about we have a horror movie renaissance where that particular lazy, horrible narrative shortcut isn't used any more? Secondly, Justine as our lead and final girl survivor is tough to like, even if she is resourceful and strong. She's kind of one-note and dull as the back that carries the film.

The leader/controller of the gang (Ashley Greene) was a much more interesting character, and I would've been all over a film about her. Why she does this, what in her life brought her to a place of being in a killer cult? There are details about her that were deliberate choices, such as her painfully dry lips, multiple facial piercings and bad teeth. I want to know about her! That would be more interesting and original than another spin on a home invasion, where the victim grows from the experience and turns the tables. How many of those do we need, really??

IMDb recommends Bound To Vengeance at the bottom of its page for Kristy. Which kind of makes sense because I found that unremarkable, too. It also suggests The Den, which I never even made it through. So at least IMDb's algorithms are nailing it.

Steaming on Netflix now if you want to give it a whirl and prove me wrong!

Hatchet (2007)

This was swapped with Creepshow for tonight's viewing, as I thought it would make an interesting next day bedfellow to The Final Girls. 

Both are a more modern day homage to "old school American horror", but whereas last night's was heavy on the comedy and light on the gore... Hatchet is heavy on both. We see someone get disemboweled in the opening scene!

Well look who it is!

Even though it's a comedy, Hatchet is darker both literally and figuratively than The Final Girls. Taking place in a New Orleans swamp largely at night, it's nastier, dirtier, wetter and more gory. We get guts and tits within the first 5min.

This ultimately became the first of three films set over a period of a few days, and this one introduces us to the legend of Victor Crowley: the Jason Voorhees character of this franchise. And just who is Victor chasing around the swamp?

The group is full of tropes (bimbo, heartbroken college dude, middle aged couple from the Midwest) but the dialogue is quick and witty enough that they don't irritate or appear too on the nose. Besides, the kills come thick and fast too, so there's no time to get bored. If there's one thing that drives me crazy in slasher films, it's too much talking!

What recommends this film and makes it stick in the mind more than anything else I think, are the creative kills. Director Adam Green and special effects artist John Carl Buechler went far with these, and with no CGI! So every snapping bone and tendon, and every spurt of blood was right there in front of the camera. These kills are bonkers, and I was reminded tonight that I giggle like an idiot when I see this stuff. Is that weird?

Hatchet is one of those rare films that you can tell is horror made by a horror fan. And an attack by belt sander, plus cameos from horror movie royalty make me a very happy one whilst watching this.

Fun fact: IMDb trivia tells me that there's actually only one death by hatchet in this film.

The Final Girls (2015)

This film was just the tonic, as I was in the mood for something lighthearted. The Final Girls nailed it in every sense.

So originally I had slated Final Girl to watch... That was, until a couple of people suggested I not bother, and instead swap it out for this movie. I love my friends! This film is a riot and a real treat for horror fans who fancy something fun and cheekily respectful to our favourite genre.

All hail knowingly cheesy DVD art!

This is a film that's so self-referential it's one step away from looking straight down the camera. And yet it's not at all annoying, and manages to play out as funny and fresh.

One of my favourite ways for a horror film to start is the sudden shock. Say a character is quickly established who seems like they are in it for the long haul, but then quickly dispatched (see: Scream) or a scene seems harmless enough and then something brutal happens (see: The Descent). Well... this one starts like that.

Main character Max is now an orphan, and a few years later she still hasn't fully processed the loss of her mum, a former 80s slasher actress. After a bizarre accident at a screening of her mum's most popular film, Max and a few of her friends find themselves trapped in that very same movie: "Camp Bloodbath". 

They can't leave (scenes and dialogue skip and repeat until they stop attempting to escape, and routes away from the action just loop them right back to it) and thanks to one of them being a horror nerd, they know who dies, when, and why. Unfortunately they also learn that even though they are trespassers in this story, they aren't immune to being killed off by "Billy" the psycho, either.

Using their genre knowledge, such as: boobs summon the killer; the final girl has to be a virgin etc, and basically being a bit more streetwise than the camp counselor characters, the friends set traps and figure out how to kill Billy, end the film and hopefully get back home.

The emotional heart of the story lies with Max. I'm unfortunately now a sucker for stories of parental loss, so I connected to this sub-plot of grief, and wanting someone back so you can say everything you didn't before it was too late. It's a nice little bit of soul in the middle of a ridiculous film, but it works.

The modern day teens are established quickly, but well, so when their lives are on the line you actually care! FINALLY. Also I just plain love Taissa Farmiga (American Horror Story) and Alia Shawkat (Arrested Development) so watching them act is a joy.

There are multiple clever uses of effects here, paying tribute to conventions in film while simultaneously ignoring the rules. Text at the bottom of a screen denoting a flashback causes the kids to trip over; a new scene literally "wipes" itself down the current one, engulfing them as it goes, and credits appear above the tree line in the sky, completely visible as they start their crawl.

The look, feel and even sound of those 80s slashers is perfectly captured, too. From the neon smoke and lightning to the Evil Dead-like twisty camerawork, it's all here and executed (pardon the pun) with such love.

The music I will let speak for itself...

A final girl word: Don't expect buckets of gore with this one. Ironically, given the title of the film-within-a-film, the kills are more comedic than creative. It's really about everything else that happens around them.

But let's just say I'm excited that Camp Bloodbath had a sequel!