See No Evil (2006).

The first major film to be produced by WWE Studios, it stars professional wrestler Kane as a 7ft mummy's boy murder machine, who dispatches a group of incredibly irritating juvenile delinquents.

Being abused as a child by a religious maniac apparently turns a person into a super-strong brick shithouse. Unsurprisingly, Kane does a decent enough job in this role.

I could pick about ten billion holes in this film (eg: how does one acquire thong tan lines in prison?) but it would be pointless; this is throw-ho-ho-away horror. See See No Evil once.

Starting with a nice jump scare which actually made me jump, the flick soon settles more into grisly creepiness rather than out-and-out scary. Lots of shots of rats and roaches and lots of fingers rummaging around in eye sockets.

Yes, perhaps as a nod to Fulci but more likely just because it's guaranteed to make the audience go "Ick!", there is an awful lot of ocular horror here.

In fact, one of the working titles for the film was Eye Scream Man. Shame they didn't keep that, you can never go wrong with a good strong pun.

It's a stalk and slash by numbers. And for all of its gruesomeness, it could have been improved by being more so - or by more imaginative kills. Though witnessing the most annoying female character forced to eat her mobile phone was something of a treat.

Tell you what else was a treat...

And he didn't get killed off. In fact, he even got the last laugh!

This film was so assured of its audience's ADD, it placed what would normally be a post-credit sequence about 30 seconds into the credits instead. Okay everyone we're done! You can turn the thing off now!

The Nights of Terror / Le Notti del terrore (1981).

Whoo, another Final Girl Film Club!

I had to buy the DVD from eBay as it doesn't seem to be widely available in the UK. Which is a shame, because it is some pretty great Italian sleazy silly horror fare.

The Nights of Terror was directed by Andrea Bianchi and also goes by the name of Zombie 3, one of three movies to do so in fact; the others being Zombi Holocaust (1980) and La orgía de los muertos (1973). The Zombi series of films all gets terribly confusing, but I hope I'm not being presumptuous here when I state that I doubt the two films mentioned above are quite as curiously entertaining as this one.

The set up is that a professor with an immense beard manages to reanimate the dead whilst working in a crypt. He finds a stone tablet with what looks to have Wingdings etched onto it...

...and the next thing he knows some reanimated corpses are advancing on him. Laying the foundations for all of the death scenes in this film, he doesn't run away or attempt to put up any real fight with the decomposing attackers. He pleads with them, tells them "I'm your friend!" and then gets eaten. Offal for everyone!

For a reason not explained, he had previously called a group of couples (and one very odd child) to the house, to tell them of his discovery. They have no idea what he was up to, and therefore no idea that as they frolic through the house and grounds, the undead are slowly but steadily closing in, bent on eating the flesh of each and every one. Who will survive and what will be left of them? Etc etc.

So the group of socialites arrive, oblivious to the impending doom that's shuffling up the hill toward them. They think nothing of the prof not greeting them when they get there, and set about making themselves at home in the gorgeous surroundings of the vast villa.

Making themselves at home involves having sex, of course. One of the women finds some raunchy underwear in a trunk(?) and parades around in it. Then her partner utters one of the more memorable lines in the movie:

"You look just like a little whore - but I like that in a girl."

Classic.

Evelyn (Maria Angela Giordano) checks on her son Michael (Peter Bark) before indulging in any bedroom antics. She finds him seemingly asleep - but is he really?

Anyone who writes about this film has to mention Bark. Due to the incest/oedipal subplot in this film, a child actor could not be used. Step up one Peter Bark, a midget thespian and, as many other reviewers have said before me, potentially far creepier than the zombies in this film. I mean, just look at the guy.

"Young" Michael (I think he's meant to be about ten or eleven?) has an unhealthy obsession with his mother. After escaping a zombie attack, he takes the opportunity to make a move on Ma.

He's rewarded with a slap in the face, and runs off, returning later as one of the undead - still holding a fascination with his mother's breasts. Deliriously happy to have her son back with her, Evelyn finally permits him a suckle. Bad idea.

This storyline makes an already crazy film one hell of a lot crazier. It's brilliant.

I can't go any further without a mention of the zombies. Artist Giannetto De Rossi was Fulci's favoured one, and you can tell. These zombs are of the "we are going to eat you!" variety, which means heavily decomposed, wormy, robed. They look like they are part clay, like they have merged with the earth somehow after burial. They totally rock.

My favourite is probably this one however:

I am a big fan of the one staring eye. He reminds me of Dr Tongue, too, I think it's the hair.

As an aside, one of the "newer" therefore less rotting members of the zombie horde in this film, really looks like my mate Rob.

 and

When any walking corpses meet a sticky end, the pleasing effects work continues. We have shotgun blasts to the head, making them explode in an unsettling dry, dusty manner; we have noggins being smashed in with rocks, disintegrating into large pieces. One assumes that the thick make-up was just being knocked off, but it looks amazing as it crunches to bits and falls off of the actor's head.

Watching these zombies has made me question how I do my make up for zombie walks. I think things are going to get much more putrefied in future. These guys are genuinely unsettling.

In many ways the zombies come across as somewhat smarter than the humans; as they surround the villa and relentlessly pick off victims. They are also adept at using tools. One scene involves the maid meeting a grisly end as a zombie wields a scythe...! In an excellent sequence, she is pinned and then beheaded from beneath the window she is leaning out of. Shadows are utilised to hide what the fx couldn't stretch to. Never mind that she probably could have escaped, had she really thought about it - it works well and was the best death scene in the movie.

I'm so glad I enjoyed this film. I feel like I have watched a lot of shit horror lately. Yes, the people are stupid, the acting is questionable and dubbed sex noises are one of the most un-erotic things ever. Yes, the closing quote has two spelling errors in it:

But I don't care. There's boobies, oedipal issues, quotable lines and amazing electronic music on the soundtrack. This film delivered. It's also as old as I am. Go team '81!

The Beyond / L'Aldilà (1981).

We all understand that eyes are the most vulnerable of our sensory organs, the most vulnerable of our facial accessories, and they are (ick!) soft. Maybe that's the worst...
- Stephen King in Danse Macabre.

Fulci loves him some eyeballs!

...There so should've then been a shot of the German Shepherd's eyes too.

Oh yeah, that's the sweet stuff...

...oh, keep going, don't stop...!

Oh god... YYEEEESSS!!!

Ahem.

My favourite non gore close-up.

That's not even all of them. When I realised a written review wasn't going to be forthcoming, my angle was instead going to be that I cap every single eyeball close-up in the film. This I very nearly did, until I realised that it was way too many for anyone to find entertaining or interesting. Plus I got a bit bored.

Okay okay, this isn't much of a review at all, I grant you. I left my Final Girl Film Club homework until the last minute, and so I found myself viewing this movie on a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon. Not exactly perfect horror film conditions, so I blame this and how busy I am lately on why I couldn't dredge a decent review out of the flooded basement that is my brain.

In short: As a fan of Zombie Flesh Eaters I anticipated liking this, and I did. As with ZFE the make-up for the older corpses resembled great lumps of rotting meat covered in dirt - ie: perfect! They do literally look as though they are going to cave in under your touch (should you dare). The scene with the housekeeper and what she finds in the bath is one of the best, even before the climactic eye-impalement.

From the hour mark onwards The Beyond was decidedly great; from possessed guide dogs to a pigtailed child getting her head mercilessly blown apart by a doctor. The zombies in the hospital were also some of the best shufflers I have ever seen.

See the book Men, Women and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film for a whole chapter on eyes in horror.