They're Watching (2016)

Apparently the makers of this don't classify it as a horror. I CAN BELIEVE IT. 

I was 48mins in when I decided not to waste any more time on it. What doesn't make sense is that it appears to be marketed as one. Not fair, guys.

Avoid!

Lumberjack Man (2015)

This wants to be American Pie with added horror, but fails so miserably I don't even know where to start...

You know it's not going well when you check how much run-time is left and it's not even halfway through yet. By the 30min mark it's already pretty well established that this one is going to be heavy on the boobs but lacking on the gore and downright woeful on the comedy.

The film is as good as this picture suggests.

There are "summer camp stereotypes" to the point of being offensive (remember, this was made a mere two years ago) including a fat kid, bitchy mean girl, dorky camp counsellour and a black chef - who they at least don't kill off, I suppose!?

The kills are so-so, the most memorable probably being when a woman gets her breast implants ripped out, but again, emerging from the flat writing and acting around it, this comes across as gross and unnecessary rather than anything else.

The "Lumberjack Man" in question is a hulking brute with a tree bark mask(?!) and a squeaky wagon which he uses to cart around oversized pancakes to each of his kills. OH GOD I WISH I WERE JOKING. 

He's given no personality and, despite being large and lumbering with a distinct look, he has no presence and nothing remotely interesting to make us care about him either as a villain or an anti-hero.  

Why Michael Madsen signed up for this piece of shit I'll never know. 

I was going to say this film would have benefited from being 30mins shorter, too, but ultimately the horror genre world would be a better place if it had never been made at all. Lumberjack Man is going to make you want to watch a decent summer camp movie, and I strongly urge you to do just that. Don't waste your time with this.

Bound to Vengeance (2015)

The best thing about Bound To Vengeance is that poster artwork.

I'm pretty sure you have better things to do with 1hr19min.

The Facility (2012)

Deliberately made this large so you can see the hands, middle left.

Apparently based on a true story (obviously sexed up into horror fare) The Facility deals with a clinical trial gone horribly wrong.

Seven people accept £2000 - payable on completion, natch - to spend two weeks together, being administered a drug called "Pro9" and observed of its side effects. Problems arise on the first night, however, when one of the group starts behaving violently. It's the dickhead estate agent though, so we don't shed any tears.

When the meek hypochondriac wanders off and returns covered in blood, things start to get a little more intense.

The reactions to the drug are kind of like the rage virus in 28 Days Later, but way less scary and significantly less interesting.

One-location horror films with a set group of people usually really float my boat, but this one was disappointing. It burned too slowly in the beginning and even when the action and gore kicked in, it was already too far gone into snoozeville to redeem itself.

It's kind of laughably presented as fact, too, with sombre black title cards on the intro and outro to the movie.

But basically this film amounts to watching a group of people in surgical scrubs shout at one another until one of them turns red and starts punching things.

If all this wasn't bad enough, a huge amount of points have to be deducted for the sheer fact that the only "infected" ragey person to inexplicably rip off all their clothes and run around naked, was the young blonde girl.

This film should be sent to the isolation ward.

🍺 For this film I was sipping on... 🍺

Pumpkin UFO by Harpoon This might be my favourite so far of the pumpkin beers I've tried with a more moderate alcohol content. It's got the spice flavour as you'd expect but I feel like there's also a little more sweetness too? The pumpkin on the label is also super cute. I'd give it 3/5.

Mr. Jones (2013)

Whoooo boy. Okay.

Another tagline for this as well as the one above, is a quote taken direct from the film itself: "If you see him, RUN."

That applies for when you see this come up on Netflix as a suggestion too, just fyi.

So let's begin with the plot, because it isn't half bad. Married couple Scott and Penny move to the desert so that Scott can pursue his dream of making a nature documentary. However, not long after their relocation, he's lost interest in the idea and begins to have doubts about not only the doc, but everything in his life.

When the couple discover a house not far from theirs, and decide to trespass all the way down into the basement, they find eerie scarecrow-like totems everywhere. These things are incredibly cool (if you like that kind of thing) and Penny recognises them as the work of a mysterious artist by the name of, you guessed it: Mr. Jones.

The excitement of this discovery, plus a new direction for the documentary stirs both Scott and Penny into life, and he briefly travels to NYC to interview some folks about what they know of Mr. Jones. One of the interviewees, an obviously tortured soul, is the guy who lends his words to the aforementioned other tagline. Unfortunately for our two main characters, this warning is dismissed without a second thought.

And the film continues on, with shadowy figures in the woods, more forays into deeper basements and a hell of a lot of shots like this:

Did I mention this is a found footage movie?

Now I feel like I have a high tolerance for found footage, but Mr. Jones tested those limits. It wasn't even the shaky-cam seasick thing, either. It's more the question of why they bothered to keep the camera rolling most of the time.

With all of the playing around with light and dark, and LOUD NOISES, maybe this worked better in the cinema than it does at home; but I couldn't help but think that some filmmakers need to learn that being made to jump and being scared are not necessarily the same thing.

There's only so many times you can trot out a the same kind of jump scare, or a reveal of someone standing in a dark corner before it becomes old and tired.

Ditto the characters making bad decisions. Even in horror, the genre built on a foundation of "why are you going in there" and "why are you doing that", when I'm forced to watch two chumps doing dumb shit over and over again, my eye-rolls are going to start to drown out my nerves.

The last 30mins or so of Mr. Jones really loses it, to the point where every time it cut to black - and it did this a lot - I was praying for the credits to roll. I don't even think I fully understood the ending of this film, but I really don't care!

There was also a pointless numbering of days at the start of the movie. "Day 51" it stated ominously, but then proceeded to do nothing with.

A shame that such an interesting idea, of eerie totems and what they could represent (and possibly be spreading) is squandered on cheap scares and nonsense.

This has more than a dash of Blair Witch about it, but don't be fooled. Reader, heed my warning: RUN.

Donkey Punch (2008).

Peruse that and imagine the film it's for. Now don't bother seeing Donkey Punch. Because the flick you've just thought of is more than likely better.

How a kill involving an outboard motor can be disappointing I'll never know, but somehow this manages it.


I check out films like this because I know the characters will be detestable, disposable pricks. I enjoy seeing them set up, then offed.

This delivers on the pricks but fails on what it does with them. Cue dissatisfaction.

The sex scene, the hook upon which most of the publicity was hung, is indeed more graphic (and longer) than other films of this type. It's just a sex scene though, ultimately. A group of unlikeable characters fucking one another.

If you want sex, watch a porno. If you want a decent horror/thriller? Don't watch this.

Evil Aliens (2005).

I fell asleep watching this and I can't bring myself to sit through it again. So this will be short and sweet.

The only thing worth mentioning about Evil Aliens is that before the opening credits even roll, there's a scene which involves a man getting a drill in the rectum.

Emily Booth doesn't even get her tits (fully) out.

Avoid.