Hello! And pushing the boat metaphor a little too hard, perhaps.

Oh Final Girl, not only were you inspiration behind my starting this blog, but you too have been going through a horror dry spell lately!

http://finalgirl.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/real-talk.html

...You see, I started Final Girl to talk about horror movies I love (even if they stink), not whatever happens to be coming out on DVD next month. It should go without saying, but I will say it anyway: this does not mean that I am railing against new horror, or that whatever happens to be coming out on DVD next month isn't going to be wonderful. It just means that hey, writing can be difficult, watching movies you don't really want to watch can be difficult, and I just. Burnt. Out.

And boy do I mean it! Believe me, I haven't been, you know, watching a shit ton of horror and not telling you about it; I've probably seen...mmm, four scary movies? maybe?...since I last posted here. (One of them was Mama and you know what? I really liked it. SO SUE ME.) Here's what is up: I try to give something in the genre a go- by which I mean I browse my Netflix queue- and everything looks the same. All the plot synopses sound alike. None appeal to me enough to give 'em a go. I think about sitting through them, and I start puking boredom out of my eye holes every time! And then I watch something else entirely, like a documentary or an episode of whatever (great show). Or I read or I play a video game. Or I draw some comics. Or I do anything besides watch a horror movie. 

Stacie says it better than I ever could. I am in the same boat. Or an adjacent one - or slightly behind her. Watching.

Anyway yes! Also add to the above a dash of real life getting real horrible there for a while, and you're left with me... Someone who simply can't be tempted by any horror movies even on the now rare occasions she feels like watching one. Sometimes you feel bleak enough already, without a movie providing that for you, you know?

I miss writing. I miss rolling around an opinion in my head and trying to articulate it. To be honest merely getting into conversations tonight about the new Evil Dead started me missing a horror dialogue in my life. I really do hope that my horror blogger mojo is in this boat with me somewhere!

Maniac remake.

Have you seen this?

I am having so many feelings about it. All of them good. The MUSIC, the END to that clip. Elijah Wood doing yet another good job at creepy and fucked up. Hubba hubba, I want to see!!!

(Out March 2013 in the UK).

Zoltan... Hound of Dracula (1978).

With almost as many canine cast members as human, this is a rare thing: a horror film where it seems as though the pooches have a fighting chance... nay, emerge victorious!

*punches air in freeze frame*

Bitchin' title screen!

 Bitchin' poster, tagline and alternate title! (from here)

Okay, Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, I'm listening. 

Well of course it made sense I should watch this. I'd have to be sillier than a box of puppies not to give it a whirl!

Bringing to mind Food of the Gods (thankfully minus the [at least overt] animal cruelty) and countless others, Zoltan is that special kind of 70s "so bad it's good" horror flick. It's one to get the beers and popcorn in for, get some friends round and repeatedly splutter together, at the straight-faced silliness of it all.

So let me introduce you to Zoltan. He's a hellhound Doberman with an intense stare and a pursed lipped, wrinkly-faced master.

 

 Why are you laughing? This is deadly serious!

The plot is simple: hound and half-vampire companion get resurrected and travel to the States to find Count Dracula's ancestor. The guy in question - who is a bit of an annoying dick, actually - is on holiday with his wife, children, family dogs and... a box of puppies.

Puppies! Puppies. How happy was I?!

I think the best way to approach Zoltan is to discuss what we can learn from it. There are an awful lot of lessons here. Very important lessons. Are we ready? Then I shall begin.

When standing guard over a crypt marked with the family name "Dracula", feel free to remove the stake from any of the inhabitants. It's fiiine, go for it.

Make your mouth look like a bum hole when addressing your hellhound.

Putting big fake teeth on a Doberman will suffice in conveying its hellhoundness.

When in the middle of nowhere, let your children, dogs and puppies sleep outside the RV, whilst you cosy up inside.

Puppies can get bitten too :(

:(

My absolute favourite. Take a shot of a dog yawn and with the help of fake blood and canny dubbing, viola! It's a terrifying howl!

Two dogs can tear the shit out of a little wooden hut in a matter of minutes.

The best type of barricade is one comprised of a blanket jammed into an open window. That'll keep the evil out!

 

Don't be afraid to get a little Cujo with proceedings.

A severed owl head = bad omen. Obviously.

Zombie puppy!

Wait, what?!

Okay I may have completely lost the already skittish thread by the end, there.

What isn't pictured:

• Hurling a dog at someone from off screen is the same as the dog leaping of its own accord (couldn't cap this as it was too blurry/I was laughing too much). 
• All of the dogs in the film will have the same two dubbed barks; hey, why not bung some elephant and chimp sounds into the mix, too?

So then, file this one under "chortles rather than screams" - but there's nothing wrong with that! The beauty of this genre we all love so much is that it happily encompasses both. 

Right, I'm off to throw some dogs...